


It's not a bug, it's a feature

by Paraprosdokia (ChangeableConsistency)



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Community: avengerkink, Gen, Plus a very secret Santa, Stupid Blender, and Robo-Feels, dummy makes everyone's allergies act up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 16:37:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/599864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChangeableConsistency/pseuds/Paraprosdokia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dummy throws a temper tantrum.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's not a bug, it's a feature

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Act of Creation Will Be Your Salvation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/401961) by [scifigrl47](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scifigrl47/pseuds/scifigrl47). 



> Avengers kink prompt: 
> 
> http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/12672.html?thread=29540992t29540992
> 
> FYI, the fonts look better on the kink meme.

"What the hell?" Tony looks at the mangled bits of shattered glass and plastic, he can barely just make out the letter "ita" on the largest sliver.

"I'm sorry, sir, I tried to stop him, but he kept re-routing my overrides. I told him you would be angry, but it just seemed to make him more upset."

"No, no, it's... It's okay, JARVIS. I sometimes forget how smart he really is. Thanks for calling me down. So, what the hell happened?"

The central display lights up to show a blender on the counter with a big red bow, "Wait, back it up. Where did that come from?"

JARVIS reverses the footage; one second the counter is bare, and then there's an nearly undetectable blip and the blender appears.

Great. And now Tony has to worry about a break in on top of his favorite (shhh don't tell anyone) A.I. going bug fuck. 

"So. That's a problem." (Understatement.) "Recover the footage and let me know who left it. Did it explode on its own? Maybe Dummy realized something was wrong with it. Did it tick? Scan the pieces for any Doom Tech, or; I don't know... Hammer Industries? Who have I pissed off lately that would send me a booby trapped blender? I mean besides the usual suspects."

"My scans show it to be produced by Vitamix. I am still working on recovering the footage, sir. I could try bringing Dummy back on line? His local memory may still have a record of the event?"

Tony sighs.

"No. No, let's call that Plan B. I don't want to wake him up if he's going to keep freaking out. Unless... Can you keep his motor functions disabled?"

"...I could." JARVIS paused (drama queen), "But he would still be aware. I fear that would have... Undesirable consequences."

Tony shudders, "Yeah, no. I don't want him to feel paralyzed, what ever happened was obviously traumatic enough. Let's not add to that. I'll see if I can manually pull his memory core."

Tony grabbed a couple tools and started working on Dummy's casing, the irony if how much easier this would be with Dummy's help is not lost on him.

"Okay. Got it." Tony flicks his fingers over a counter top and a small panel opens; he drops Dummy in,"Fire it up. Safe mode, read only."

An image appears over the counter, it's a Dummy eye view of the workshop, Tony's voice comes from off camera, "Okay, buddy. Good as new."

INITIALIZING START UP. 

Tony comes in to view, smiling tensely, "Actually, better; even if I do say so myself."

ACCESSING STORED MEMORY.

DESIGNATION: Dummy

PRIMARY FUNCTION: Assist the Creating Unit 

Dummy focuses on Tony and 17 white points map across his face.

POSITIVE IDENTIFICATION: Anthony Edward Stark

DESIGNATION: Creating Unit 

The points flash red and white, finally settling to mostly red, a couple near Tony's mouth are blue.

Dummy looks around the work shop and sees a loose screwdriver. He rushes to pick it up, bringing it back to Tony and dropping it at his feet.

"What are you doing, you ridiculous bucket of bolts?" Tony picks up the screwdriver, looking Dummy over before shrugging and tossing the screwdriver, "Go on, Dummy, go get it."

Dummy and Tony play fetch for a few minutes before Tony says, "Okay, enough. I have real work to do. That penthouse isn't going to build itself. Yet."

The image splits, showing Tony's not-really-smiling smile from earlier, each of the red and blue points on his face shifting from the earlier image to overlay the current one, as they slide to match up to Tony's new expression, nearly half turn blue.

STATUS: 46% improvement. 

Unacceptable. 

"Beep boop?" Dummy holds the screwdriver out to Tony this time instead of dropping it.

"Yes, that's it, give Daddy the screwdriver."

Dummy plays tug-o-war until Tony appears give up with a grin, "Let it go, you lunatic. If I had wanted a dog I would have programmed you to bark!"

More of the points have turned blue.

STATUS: 62% improvement. 

Unacceptable. 

"Bwoop! Bwoop!"

Dummy waves the screwdriver in front of Tony.

"Fine! Keep it. Worthless pile of rust. I'm sure the kids at the community college will find it adorable."

Tony gives the screwdriver one last tug and Dummy lets it go. Tony stumbles back laughing triumphantly.

STATUS: 78% improvement. 

Acceptable. 

"Oh, _Dummy_ ," Tony sighs as he watches himself leave the lab, flipping the screwdriver end over end and singing 'How much is that robot in the window', "Bring us up to today, JARVIS."

The image blurs, a staticky mass of color; after a few seconds it resolves itself into the lab as it was earlier this morning. 

JARVIS advances the recording a few minutes at a time and Tony swears, "God damned piratey son of a bitch!"

Dummy goes still as Fury enters the lab, cradling the blender in one arm and pocketing something that Tony immediately recognizes. It's the same fucking thing the bastard had used the first night they met in Malibu. 

Tony had thought he had upgraded JARVIS with adequate counter measures, but had underestimated Fury's deviousness. Well, okay, not Fury's deviousness, he knows that knows no bounds, but maybe SHIELDs tech monkeys aren't as incompetent as he thought. 

Which means no more half-assing it, from now on SHIELD gets his 'A' game; 'Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and your R&D department won't be able to build an Easy Bake Oven without a line of Stark code to keep an eye on it. No more Mr. Nice Genius.'

Dummy's facial recognition sequence runs, dots mapping out Fury's face.

IDENTIFICATION: Nicholas Joseph Fury, Jr., AKA Mar- 

Error. 

IDENTIFICATION: **[REDACTED]**

Error. 

IDENTIFICATION: Access Denied. 

Flagged for further research.

DESIGNATION: That Asshole Fury. 

Dummy ducks behind a counter, watching Fury put the blender down carefully and straighten the bow. Dummy starts shaking when Fury smiles, but Tony can't blame him, it sends a shiver of unease down his spine as well. 

Not because it was a frightening smile, the kind that Fury used to let you know he could disappear you for breathing too loud; no, it was the near polar opposite. 

Gentle. 

Fond, one might even say. 

Creepy as fuck would also be appropriate, if you had ever been on the business end of Fury's other smile.

Which Tony may or may not have.

Once or a couple dozen times.

As Fury leaves, Dummy's camera zooms in on the blender.

IDENTIFICATION: Vitamix 1709 CIA Professional Series, Brushed Stainless Finish. 

PRIMARY FUNCTION: Create smoothies, hot soups, and frozen desserts in a single machine. Designed and built for outstanding performance and unsurpassed durability. 

ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR

UNIT DESIGNATION DUMMY CREATES SMOOTHIES FOR CREATING UNIT! 

ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR

CREATING UNIT MUST NOT REPLACE DUMMY!

CREATING UNIT IS RIGHT, THAT ASSHOLE FURY IS _**EVIL**_!

VITAMIX UNIT MUST BE DESTROYED! 

Twenty seconds later Dummy's feed syncs up with JARVIS's records. Dummy continued to pulverize the appliance as JARVIS tried to reason with him; he only stopped when JARVIS finally overcame his panicked ICE and shut him down.

Tony swallowed thickly. Obviously Dummy's little rampage had stirred up dust. Or something. At any rate his allergies (Allergies? Really? Yes, damn it, allergies!) were acting up. He grabs a tissue and orders JARVIS to adjust the environmentals as he pulls up Dummy's code.

A couple of quick lines so that the stupid robot won't have anymore freak outs and then he can plug Dummy back into his body and have him get to work cleaning up the mess he made.

INITIALIZING START UP.

ACCESSING STORED MEMORY.

DESIGNATION: Dummy

PRIMARY FUNCTION: Assist the Creating Unit 

New code detected.

PATCH 32.1.4b: Unit designated Dummy is irreplaceable. 

**Author's Note:**

> Also inspired by: Nick Fury, stealth kindness prompt. 
> 
> http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/12672.html?thread=29442432#t29442432


End file.
